Thriving in Love and Money; A Book Review

 My wife and I don’t have very many intense discussions. We rarely argue. Yet when we do, it’s the same topic.

Money.

I’m sure it’s the same for most. Enough so that Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn were asked to write this book we’ll look at today. I learned of it on the Love Like You Mean It cruise when they spoke. That book is…

“Over 90 percent of couples experience some level of tension around money. In fact, money issues are the number one stressor in relationships. So many books try to fix the surface problems, such as how to budget and what to prioritize when it comes to finances, but the issues go much deeper than just a simple spreadsheet.

How do men and women view money differently? What do most couples fight about? How can they get on the same page? What questions should men/women ask their significant others before marriage? There are emotional and spiritual components to finances that most couples ignore. How can you agree on a budget if you disagree with each other on the basic purpose of money?

Thriving in Love and Money is based on original research Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have conducted to get to the heart of these issues. And just as they did with their bestselling books For Women Only and For Men Only, they will use this research to provide the answers and insights you need to break the tension and provide the unity you’re looking for. Let this book deepen your understanding of each other, leading to clear communication, peace as a couple, and better financial decision-making.”

I got the Kindle version, so there are 21 notes and 109 highlights. I’ll try to keep the quoting to a minimum. Let’s set the stage.

“When we have conflict around money, it’s not about the money. Otherwise, on financial issues, rich people would never fight! Instead, it’s about things under the surface that we don’t even realize are there. How money makes us feel. Insecurities and fears. How we process things—and how our spouse does.”

“Here’s the key: If you aren’t thriving in the “love” part of love and money, it will be difficult to come together enough to do the “money” part well.”

“The reason we’re trying to understand one another is not only to draw closer, but so we can: (1) build a financial cushion, and (2) talk and come together about money.”

You’ve probably heard that one person is typically the spender and the other is the saver in a relationship. It goes deeper than that. 

“One of the most basic but crucial secrets to thriving in love and money is to look for and honor the reason your spouse feels the way they do.”

There are stories in there that match what Casey and I do. One game-changer that successfully married couples do is, in the budget, they both have a set amount to spend. 

That’s their money to do what they want with. I call it our allowance or personal money. My wife Casey’s usually goes towards food. Mine is mostly comic books and regular books.  

When it’s out for the month, it’s out. Which is usually when the stress starts.

“Kyle and Shara’s solution was similar to ones we heard in multiple interviews with thriving couples. Couples who designate a pot of money that each spouse can spend however they like were much more likely to be happy in their marriage. More on that in the “what do we do about it” part of this chapter.”

“A common solution we heard is to give general freedom under a certain purchase amount, while agreeing to consult each other for purchases over that amount.”

One more quote, then I’ll go over an insight that I discussed with Casey. 

“Tip #1: Next time you’re at odds, assume there’s a reason and ask, “Is this a value thing?” Ask yourself: Is this something that matters to my spouse that I am just not seeing—or not valuing? Or maybe even, is there something here that matters to me that’s being triggered, that I might not be aware of? And more to the point: How can I understand my spouse without judging them—even if I don’t agree?”

According to their studies, men stress about providing, even if they have six-digit salaries. Women worry about keeping the family together and their relationships current.

Casey said “amen” to this.

For example, a frugal man would grill out while the wife would get takeout so they can spend time together. They’ll spend money to do it, which causes the circle of stress to continue.

In fact, women would deal with more financial stress if it meant her husband didn’t have to work as much or bring in less money.

Which is good since I have FOMO with my family. Quality time is my love language, after all, especially now that I have a son. 

If you’re arguing about money, it’s a sticky subject, or you just want to improve your marriage any way you can, get this book.

5 stars.

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women; A Book Review

 Okay, guys, I know men don’t tend to read, but this book is a companion to last week’s book, and it’s made for you. It says so in the title. 

If you want to understand your wife or girlfriend, read this book. And if you’re lazy, it even has a quick start guide to give you the Cliff Notes.

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women

“Finally‒You “Can” Understand Her!

Women: Complicated and impossible to understand? Do you love and want to please the woman in your life, but just can’t seem to figure her out? That was before “For Men Only.” Now at your fingertips is the tool that will unlock the secret to her mysterious ways. Through hundreds of interviews and the results of a scientific national survey of women, this book demonstrates that women are actually not random and that they really can be systematized and “mapped.” In fact, much to men’s delight, this book shows that women are actually quite easy to understand and please‒as long as you know what it is they need. This simple map will guide you to loving your wife or girlfriend in the way she needs to be loved.

The bestselling author of “For Women Only” teams with her husband to offer men the key to unlocking women’s mysterious ways. Through Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s national scientific survey and hundreds of interviews, “For Men Only” reveals what you can do today to improve your relationship. And believe it or not, as Jeff assures men, “It’s not splitting the atom.”

Like before, we’ll look at what we understand and what it means in practice. 

1: Women need to feel loved, which means in practice that even in a great relationship, she needs to know that your “I do” means “I still do.” I suspect this is why Casey wants to renew our vows one day.

2: Women are emotional. In practice, they deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from past and present simultaneously, like an internet browser with 30 tabs open, and they can’t close any of them.

3: Women are impossible to figure out. Actually, the behavior that confuses you most is often signaling a need she is asking you to meet.

4: Women want security, in other words, financial security. It’s actually emotional security and closeness with you that she needs. She’ll deal with less money if it means more time with you. 

5: Women want you to listen, not to fix their problems. When she shares an emotional issue, her feelings and desire to be heard are much more important than the problem itself. 

6: Women don’t want sex much‒which means she doesn’t want me. In practice, physically, they tend to crave it less, but it isn’t related to her man’s desirability…usually. 

7: Women want to look attractive. Why? Because inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply needs to know that you find her beautiful‒and that you only have eyes for her. 

8: Have you seen the meme where the woman and man are in bed with their backs turned towards each other? She’s looking over her shoulder at him, thinking, “I bet he’s thinking of _____________.”

He’s staring at the wall, thinking of something completely different. 

Apparently, our silence triggers our ladies. They can sense unspoken conflict and can jump to conclusions when we’re more withdrawn than usual. 

The women surveyed said it makes a difference when a guy sees the misunderstanding for what it is and reassures her. For example, “I’m not mad, don’t worry. Just concerned about work.”

That’s a freebie. It really is a good book. 5 stars and it did help me understand Casey better. 

Get it.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men; A Book Review

 Since it’s February, I thought I would review some relationship books. Most of them will be by the same person, Shaunti Feldhahn, an analyst who does statistical surveys to crunch the numbers.

That makes my Type 5 heart proud. 

The first book is from a pair I got from a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conference. I shouldn’t have read it. I broke the rules.

It’s titled…

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men

“In For Women Only, Evangelical Christian author, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman‒single or married‒needs to know. Based on rigorous research with thousands of men, Shaunti delivers one revelation after another, including:

– Why your respect means more to him than your love.

– How he feels deep inside about his role as provider.

– What it means for a man to be so visually “wired.”

– Why sex for him is primarily emotional, not physical.

– What he most wishes he could say to you.”

If you want to figure out your man, read this book. I read it because I wanted to see if Shaunti was a quack. 

It was eye-opening, putting to words what I’ve never been able to. 

I have the hard copy, so no notes besides what I type. I will tell you the eight revelations and what Shaunti says are women’s surface understanding and what that means in practice. 

1: “Men need respect.” In practice, the surveys found that men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. 

2: “Men are insecure.” The survey said, “Despite their “in control” exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.” True for me.

3: “Men avoid issues by checking out.” Actually, “Men address issues by first pulling away to process and think–so they can better talk about them later.”

4: “Men are providers.” In practice, the surveys found that even if you’re the breadwinner and live comfortably, men still feel the mental burden to provide. 

5: “Men want more sex.” Survey says…”Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.”

6: “Men are visual.” It’s a fact that even happily-married-men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women. They don’t go away, and they’ll just pop up in our mind’s eyes. 

7: “Men are unromantic.” We do want romance and enjoy it. We just hesitate because we doubt we can succeed. Who can live up to those romance novels?

8: “Men care about appearance.” I’m a little worried to type this quote…”You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience to support you.”

Shaunti unpacks it and gives you application points to help your relationships. I give it 5 stars and recommend it. 

In my next review, we’re taking a look at the ladies in her other book, For Men Only.